Middle Age

 

On Saturday I will be turning 35.  I'm not dealing with this very well.   I know, ridiculous isn't it?

About 8 years ago Ben was hanging with some guys from our small group when something came up about age.  Ben made a comment referring to 35 as middle age--he was joking, but often you don't know that he is.  From that point on we have laughed about 35 being middle age.

I have NEVER dreaded a birthday.  I embrace them with open arms.  I was so excited to turn 30--I finally felt like a grown up!  I think I might be looking forward to 40.  

But 35?  It's haunting me.  I am convinced that my body is falling apart.  I have hit the age that my chart would read "high risk" if we were to have another baby (noooo...we aren't planning it, but still...).   I have so much gray hair right now that I think it's time to wash it out.  My body aches and every time I feel a new pain I start panicking.  Yet I feel better than I have in many years!

I feel like my life is half over--I pray that it isn't, but I still feel like this.  I think about my regrets, how differently I would have done things.   I worry that I haven't made enough of an effort this far, and what if I don't make the best of the next 35 years?

Then sometimes I get this overwhelming joy when I think about my life right now.  I never imagined I could be this happy.  Never imagined that I would be married to someone who loves me unconditionally and takes such good care of our family.  I start looking forward to the time that Ben and I will have together and watching our kids grow.  I love where I am in life and I want things to stay this good forever.  

I know one day I'll look back on "35" and laugh that I felt this way, but for now it's just overwhelming.  I just hope that "35" is good to me!